Grandma

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night…

(Do Not Go Gentle into That Good Night – Dylan Thomas)

Visited Grandma few days ago while on business trip to Surabaya. Grandma is seriously ill, and her condition is deteriorating. None of us is under the illusion that she will get better. Nobody told me that, but for things like these, you just knew. You can sense them by the way they talk about her, the look in their eyes, their voice intonation, the unfinished sentences...

It’s not that we’re giving up on her just like that, because we have tried everything imaginable. But I think we have come to a point when we realize that everything has its end, and we finally have to let go. And exactly because of that the family decided that she should be treated at my aunt’s home rather than under professional supervision at the hospital. At least when the time comes she will be surrounded by the loved ones who love her till her ends.

I also think all of us secretly wish that when the time comes she will pass away gently, without a pain. Still it pains me to think of her current condition. She can’t do anything without someone else’s assistance. She could not even remember me, one of her favourite grandkids, when my aunt whispered in her ears, “mom, Boyke is here”. She just stared distantly over my shoulder. My aunt sadly smiled at me, “she knows it’s you”. I know it’s a lie, but I guess both of us wishfully thought it’s the truth when I answered, “of course she does…”

She’s a strong woman, my aunt is, and I admire her. I can’t imagine how you can live with a realization that this day, this hour, this very moment might be the last time you see your mother alive. It’s quite different from the rest of us, where the banality of everyday’s life can be a welcome interruption from that depressing thought. I mean, for her, grandma is the day-to-day business. No matter how you love someone, things like that will surely weight your soul.

Rage, rage against the dying of the light

Ah grandma. When your time has come, I don’t want you to fight the dying of the light. Just make peace with it, and go gently into that good night. Because we know you have fought hard enough all these years. Because we know all of your life you’ve been a strong woman. Because we know you have light up our lives too. Because, we all love you…

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